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Shades of Dear Abby: In this recent Q&A, Spong advises a poor schmuck whose wife of 25 years wants to leave him because he told her he doesn’t believe in God any more..
B. from the Internet writes:
“I first encountered your religious philosophy and/or beliefs watching your lecture on University of California Television about one year ago. I have read several of your books and find your thoughts to be the best and most sensible in understanding the Christian faith. However, about three to four years ago I made the decision to become an atheist based on reading two books by John A. Henderson, “God.com” and “Fear, Faith, Fact and Fantasy.”I kept this secret from my wife and even told her that your views made the most sense to me and your religious philosophy gave me hope that there might even be a Higher Power. However, about three months ago, I read Sam Harris – “The End of Faith” and since that time have felt very comfortable with being an atheist. Moreover, I have taken several college level audio CD courses in religion and philosophy, read several books by Elaine Pagels, studied the findings of the Jesus Seminar, studied several essays and books by Thomas Sheehan, Rudolph Bultmann and Robert Funk. None of which has changed my mind.
The point I am trying to get to is: My wife has always been a Born Again Christian and early in our marriage of 25 years, we attended the churches of her faith and those of my original faith – Lutheran. Both of my parents are Lutheran. The other night after a very pleasant evening out, we got into a discussion about going to church again and I told her I was an atheist. She almost made me stop the car and let her get out because she would not be yoked to a non-believer. We are still together and have tried to talk through this but she is having great difficulty in accepting my decision. We are scheduled to see a marriage counselor that we both liked when we had some problems in our marriage about 10-15 years ago at her suggestion and my total agreement.
Is there any insight or advice you might provide to help us work through this situation? I do not want to be divorced much less separated. Fortunately, we do not have any children. But I am deeply alarmed that she might consider separation because I am not a Christian. I did ask her what if I had chosen Islam, Jewish or even a Taoist belief what would she have done. She said, ‘Well, at least you would believe in something.’ ” Dear B.,
You did not sign your name so I have used the first initial of your email address to preserve your anonymity. Thank you for sharing your personal story with me. First let me say that I consider atheism a profound religious point of view that ought to be honored. The atheist is not saying there is no God for nobody can finally make that statement. What the atheist is saying is that there is no God like the one I have grown up with – that God is not capable of being God for me. The word atheist means literally “no theist.” Theism is the overwhelmingly human definition of God perpetrated largely in the western world by the Judeo-Christian faith tradition. Theism defines God as a being, sometimes called the Supreme Being, supernatural in power, dwelling somewhere external to the world and periodically invading the world to split the Red Sea, to impose the divine will, to bless or to punish or to answer prayers. This definition of God has been largely destroyed by the intellectual revolution that began in the 16th century with Copernicus and continues in our day with discoveries of DNA, the dimensions of space and so many other things. The theistic God is now largely unemployed for everything that we once thought God did, is now explained with no reference to God at all – Tsunamis, hurricanes, sickness, death, etc. So if atheism means, “I do not believe in a theistic God,” it is a religious statement and you have much company in the modern world. Some in this company are conscious that is who they are, while others are largely unconscious of the fact that they have made that decision. They simply act it out.
If your claim of atheism means that you know all there is to know about God and the world and have decided that there is no room in the universe for God understood in any manner, then you are as closed-minded as the most rabid fundamentalist.
In regard to your wife and your marriage, other issues are clearly operating and seeing a counselor is a wise thing to do. Be aware of and sensitive to the fact that for many people religion is a major part of their security system. They cannot function without it. To disturb that security system becomes an intolerable threat to the person hiding behind its walls. Only when you understand that will you understand how it is possible that your wife might leave a 25-year marriage because you can no longer live inside the boundaries of what you perceive the belief in God requires. So much of what we human beings are is beneath the level of the conscious. Most of our fears are there. When you disturb that level you get surprising and most often irrational responses. They are symptoms not causes. A 25-year marriage is worth working to save. I hope you both will do that. I send you my hopes and best wishes.
– John Shelby Spong
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