Worthington's Law of Human Value

Over in the comments at Chez Wege yesterday, some Ayn Rand fetishist was dispensing his theory of how the economy entirely depends upon the fortunes of the geniuses who steer our biggest corporations.   You see, these all-important captains of industry should really be called  “creators”, and they and they alone  “create” wealth, and as we all know, wealth is the only creation that really matters.   Take that,  Labor!   Take that, Arts!   Take that, Philosophy! You lazy hippie slackers are so over. And as for you,  Science — well, we’re just not gonna go there.

While looking for my bottle of industrial-strength ibuprofen to kill the headache induced by this jackass gentleman (yeah, I guess it’d look bad if I didn’t abide by my own Rules) and his Bushco-libertarian creation myth, I kept thinking about a skit from Mr. Show…

[transition to Value Magazine sketch]:

Voiceover: That’s right, Bob. Listen to your friend.  A person who makes more money than you is better than you, and therefore beyond criticism. This is called the Worthington Law [which reads "More Money = Better Than"] and it’s used to gauge the value of human worth.  Carl Espick, economist, and editor of Value Magazine:

Carl Espick: Yeah, that’s right. So what do you think? Wrong! Whatever you were gonna say doesn’t matter because I make more money than you. That’s if you’re 80% of the public. So, I’m right. Each year, Value Magazine ranks the 500 best people in the history of the world. Did you know that, according to Worthington’s Law, the opera singer who called himself, [makes air apostrophes] “The Great Caruso” was nowhere near as great as Sammy Hagar, The Red Rocker? So shut up, Caruso! Hey! Who’s greater than Saint Francis of Assisi? How about, uh, Darryl Strawberry? See ya later, Saint Frannie, ya schmuck. Hey, guess who’s better than Van Gogh. Let’s see, after adjusting for inflation…[uses calculator] almost everybody! He made nothing!

[shot of a mechanic fixing car]

Mechanic: So that means that I’m better than Van Gogh and Galileo put together!

[back to Carl Espick]

Carl Espick: And I’m better than you, brainiac. In 1995, Steve Peaters had no money. He was a public school teacher, so his opinion wasn’t worth very much. But then, in 1996, he won the lottery, and he was a great man. Greater than Einstein, who made very little. But then, guess what this genius-for-a-day does?  He goes and gives his money to charity. Now he’s about as dumb as Einstein. Way to go, Einstein. So, read Value Magazine, and get to know the 500 best people in the world.

[shot of gold Ranking Monkey]

Voiceover: Order now, and with a one year subscription, you’ll get this Value Magazine Ranking Monkey absolutely free. Just press his head, and learn your worth as a person.

LINK