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Blurbtacular!

I think Mal thought this one was pretty good

Mal Valour, our dependable Hollywood quote whore, has the definitely not-weak weekly paean to the insurmountable, unsurpassable splendor that is this week’s new release:

THE DEPARTED

Eighty-Three and a Half Stars!!!

Get ready to Depart - For the best film of the Millenium !!

HOLLYWOOD - There is no doubt about it, The Departed is absolutely and without exception the finest work of cinematic art of the century, perhaps of the millennium. An epic film of monumental proportions, an unparalleled masterpiece of such magnificent scope and sweep, to make another film after The Departed ought to be considered a crime against the art of filmmaking and the perpetrator beaten bloody with a pool cue.

Director Martin Scorsese easily cements his place in history as the Cecil B. DeMille of film. Never before has the screen seen such mastery, such power and glory, so evenly distributed over the length and height of the screen. Like a great conductor, Scorsese paints his sculptures with broad strokes. creating a architectural dance of striking harmonies and tonalities, vividly setting his cinematic saga to the tune of “My Bloody Valentine.”

Jack Nicholson gives the kind of once-in-a-lifetime performance earns him an indelible place in the annals of actors who have delivered once-in-a-lifetime performances. Matt Damon gives the performance of his life as a hardened young cop who infiltrates the mob, while Leonardo DiCaprio, in a lifetime-best performance, plays a hardened young mobster who infiltrates the police force. Or it may be the other way around. I will definitely have to see the film to figure it out, and when I do, this pairing of acting titans will go down in history as one of the best pairs of performances the screen has ever known. Mark “E Mark” Wahlberg is doing the best work of his life in a role that visually confuses the lines between Matt Damon and Leonardo DiCaprio, at least for me.

But it all adds up to be the most stunningly interwoven assemblage of character nuance and narrative complexities the American cinema is likely to see between the current state of the art and the time the sun explodes, destroying all life on the planet. This triumphant achievement establishes itself as a work of such importance that it would not be excessive for Congress to consider legislation requiring all citizens to see it. It’s that important. With The Departed, Martin Scorsese has revealed himself to the world as a prophetic visionary of such unrelenting majesty that offerings ought to be made unto him, whole cities devoted to apostolic evangelism in spreading His Word made cinematic, and marble statues the size of the Colossus of Rhodes erected in His Holy Name. To do anything less would be to insult the very notion of cinema and perhaps rip asunder the primeval fabric of existence. Therefore I heartily encourage you to see this film now, before the soon-to-be-formed Cultural Police force you to do it later.

Mal Valour at The Weekly Blurb

Wow. Pretty good, huh, Mal?
I also like Mal’s categories:

This entry was posted on Friday, October 6th, 2006 at 8:06 PM and filed under Powerful and Important Films of this or Any Year, Finest Works of Cinematic Art of the Century, Stunningly Interwoven Assemblages of Character Nuance a.

servo hearts mal ...I do too!

Things we read today

Time for another hyperbolicious blurb from Mal Valour! This week’s fabulous movie stars Duane “The Johnson” Rock.

~~~~~

A wonderful travelogue of a holiday in Brittany, with lots of history and pictures, notably of several of those mysterious “standing stones” formations. And there’s a dog!

~~~~~

Let’s take another, closer look at those breasts, shall we?

still life with driftglass ...and breasts

(photo from Driftglass)

..who parses this “four teacup monsoon” with a bit o’ poesy.

As Tony Curtis was wont to say, in “Spartacus” and elsewhere: “Ahh. Da classics.”

~~~~~

Horror as the Beast-Man Stalks!

Via Cory Doctorow, the Warren Magazine collection of classic horror magazine covers. [Note to self: bookmark this baby now before I forget.]

~~~~~

Yikes. 8:30 already? Sunday breakfast doesn’t make itself you know, and in my household that can mean only one thing. Being endowed by my uterus with special cooking and baking abilities far beyond those of mortal men, I make breakfast.

Back later.

Mal Valour touts them all — or, nearly all — for you!

It’s been a rough month for Mal Valour, our dependable Hollywood quote whore.

What happens to a blurb writer, whose job it is to tout each and every movie as if it’s Citizen Kane and Snakes on a Plane rolled into one, when a movie comes along that’s impossible to say anything positive about?

No fears. After a brief detour into film blurb Death Valley, this week Mal’s back to scaling the heights of Mt. Everest in his neverending search for new, better and more unctuous superlatives.

And what better fare to trot out those adoring raves for than scintillating blockbusters You, Me and Dupree and John Tucker Must Die?

Plus Mal’s latest blurb/review: Miami Vice. I’ll go out on a limb here and bet that Mal found ‘Vice’ to be very nice!

Servo Hearts Mal Valour

This DaVinci’s a masterpiece! My favorite movie quote whore says so!

To assist with this weekend’s difficult moviegoing decisions, here comes Mal Valour, Hollywood movie quote whore extraordinaire, today scaling new heights of hyperbole in praise of The DaVinci Code.

See how Mal’s pithy synopsis grabs us immediately! :

Tom Hanks positively irradiates the screen with star power as Robert Langdon, Harvard professor of symbiology, who is called to the scene of a grisly murder at the Louvre, a famous Paris art gallery. He’s aided by French puzzle-solveologist Sophie (the ravishing Audrey Tattoo). Together they begin to unravel a hidden secret that has remained an obscure mystery, hidden obscurely in mysterious secrecy…until now!

Watch as Mal highlights the dynamic cast! :

Sir Ian McKellen is at his Oscar™®© calibre best as Sir Leigh Teabag, the eccentric man whose job is to explain things, and boy does he! Sir Ian explains the hell out of everything in sight, with style, grace and scene-chewing panache. Jean Reno smoulders as a Paris detective who plays by his own rules, once again proving himself to be the Frenchest actor of our time.

And of course the ever-courteous Mal takes great pains not to reveal crucial plot points! :

However, I was not prepared to have the very foundations of my faith shaken to their very foundations! The DaVinci Code contains startling information about Jesus and Mary Magdalene; I won’t spoil the surprise, but what you learn about these two and their children will forever change the way you look at life, God, the universe and the very nature of existence!

Read Mal’s entire rhapsodic review here!

I adore Mal Valour. His writing is so keen; so fresh; so sparkling. And yet– also so familiar.

Reading a Mal Valour blurb transports me to another time; another place; another world that’s somehow strangely reminiscent of a cowtown puppet show….

But how could that be?
*sigh* Ahh well, I guess I’ll never know. But that’s okay, because there’s one thing I do know:

I love you, Tom Servo Mal Valour!